Day 598 – I Will Listen

Y’all? Time is running out. There is a lot on my mind this morning, and this entry is a bit more for me than you. I find that there are different ways to sort and process. Blogging here gives me access to a part of my brain that makes things make sense.

What is so? I am sitting in a library in my alma mater. There is modern equipment. Standing desks. Hopeful students. The vibe here is always hopeful and promising. The private study rooms that used to be open to all are now locked through electronic means and need to be reserved. I was planning to go into one of those rooms. The rooms are now for students only. The campus is becoming that way.

Buildings are locked now with passkey entry only. Private spaces need to be reserved, logged into and monitored…

I am thinking about men this morning. I know. The world is falling apart and I am thinking about men. Love. Partnership. Safety. Sometimes I think that anything is possible, and well, the thing about my life is that sometimes anything IS possible. Like, how did I end up living in a more magical place than I could ever imagine with a backyard view of the Pacific Ocean and all the things I love within a five minute walk???? I couldn’t have dreamed that up. But it happened. And friends. And spaces where I could be my full authentic self – my best self and worst self – and still be accepted and be loved and not be pushed or pulled to be anything or anyone except who I wanted to be.

I had an experience of being supported, y’all. And while people from my old life were busy trying to exploit me, scandalize me, blame me for things that never happened, etc, I was dancing on grass, reciting poems with friends, making cacao drinks for ceremonies, praying with others, sharing hugs… sharing life with others and experiencing freedom in a way I never have before. Learning to hear my own voice without a constant enmeshment and push and pull of others who want me to do anything except what I want to do with my one precious life.

And that chapter has ended now. Well, it hasn’t necessarily ended, but it has shifted form. It is time to go home. Not because I have to, but because I have to. Because I know that I have outgrown that phase and it’s time to get back to my mission. Home. Safe. And “With Others” are the thoughts on my mind.

It occurs to me that I’m not rooted anywhere. And it occurs to me that I need to be rooted somewhere. My place in the city of angels was my rooted place for more than a decade. And it’s not anymore. And getting a place on my own again is the most yucky idea I can think of… My rose colored glasses that I’ve been wearing most of my adult life have finally come off. They had been chipping away over the past few years and were already broken. But now they are gone. And I see the world as it is.

And I see the ugly things that were always near me and some even in me. And it brings out a lot of grief to see my choices. I will blame myself, because no one ever captured me. Although energetically, it does feel like my soul had been captured, tied up in rope and thrown down a pit, where it has been for a long time and only recently discovered itself and came back to me…. But I digress.

I see my age. And I see that I haven’t done most of the things that I’ve wanted to do with my one precious life. And I want to make new choices. So that I can do and be most of the things that I want to do with this one precious life. Nothing else makes sense to me… The world is falling apart. Most of the people I know are in survival mode and rightfully so. There is a war. There are immigration raids. There is poverty. There is loneliness. There are health issues. And life would appear hard. I know. I am supposed to say that life is hard, too, because I am experiencing all the things everyone else is.

But in my mind, it doesn’t feel hard. It’s the same thing, but it doesn’t feel like it used to. I’m not caught up in it, even though I’m in it. Sometimes, like now, my mind can get out of my situation and see a new way. And I wish I could connect with others who also could do the same and there was no residual resentment or energetic competition. I wish I could connect with someone who would turn a cartwheel and cheer for me when I tell them “I’ve done it!” And there would be no after-frown. In fact, I wish I could do it with someone. Like, we were on a journey going somewhere and they were doing their own thing, too. Maybe they’ve already done it. But we boosted each other. And it was real. There was no hidden agenda. No trick. No upcoming betrayal. Just people loving each other, believing that life is supposed to be a dream come true, and living towards that.

Whenever I get to this place, I always go back to the same dream. Me and my Lover. That dream is fading now, because he didn’t choose it – we didn’t choose it wholeheartedly long enough. But I blame him. He chose what he thought he could choose to survive. On some level, I did, too. We should have just put ourselves in a room and thrown away all keys and made it work.

Perhaps that’s the answer for this morning. I am here. In two worlds. I have cushion, which makes me happy. But I want to fly. I don’t want to look back on my back up plan. I want to fly now. I have become someone different than I was some months ago. I have become more myself. The other thing on my mind was “Grow”. I know that has been a blog title before, but it’s something I’ve been pondering.

I’ve been facing all this fear and grief, and in the past, it’s a block in the road that causes me to change course once thinking of my best intentions. And other people. I tell my plans to other people and then they start talking about what’s logical and the economy and asking how am I gonna do this, that and the other.

And I want to tell them, “Well. God said to do it. He’s always made a way when I listen to him.” And that’s the answer that I actually came to during this blog to process. As I’m over here thinking of who, what, where, when, why, the real answer comes:

-Listen to Your Soul

I don’t need to tell anyone. I don’t need validation. I do need help, but there is so much of it so many places. It will come. It is here already.

My dear reader… My dear friend. I want to thank you for having been here with me on a such a long journey. You have made it so that I haven’t been alone on my darkest days, and I believe that I came here to process out loud today because I didn’t want to do it alone. I wanted to be seen. I wanted to belong…

I know that at this part of my life, I will have to take the lead. I will have to be the mother, the boss, but not in the way I used to be. I will have to be the mother of me. The boss of me. I have a responsibility to create a home to welcome my future into. I start by making space in my mind. I start by making space in my body. I start by making space in my world. And this time? I will listen. Whole heartedly. I’ve spent enough time half-stepping, half-assing, doubting, going here there, and everywhere except where I said I want to go.

I will listen…

Ameen

Day 598

I Will Listen