Day 597 – The Assignment (Give It All Away)

I’m doing something different. Because I choose to live. Again. Yesterday, I had a conversation that had me feeling dysregulated for about 24 hours. And here we are now. I was going to write about the conversation and write about my current life and all my woes and the debilitating fear that has been paralyzing me from taking action. And grief. Suffice it to say that it all has been written about in these five sentences already.

And I’d like to do something different. Commit. Dig in. I am at a crossroads. I need a new home. I need a new life. I am deciding in this very moment that I will show up for myself till the very end. Starting over from scratch at my age is the most challenging thing I’ve ever done. My old life burned down. And I don’t want it back. And so, instead of lamenting the ashes and telling you all about the ghosts that have been visiting me and that I have been revisiting, I will speak about building.

How to build a new life. In what ways can I do this? It will have to be on purpose. I will need some friends. I will need some love. I will need new habits. I will have to give my all. Nothing less than 100% will get me where I’m going. I ask for your guidance, Allah. I ask for your mercy. And you say I have it. And for this blog entry, I will speak on how. Gratitude. Life is about pain but pain is not about me. Pain is about the awakening of my God magnificence, says my teacher on mysticism.

And so, let’s awaken. Let’s be one of those people who turn it all around or at least give it a good try. The best try. The thing is, everything is hard. Being poor is hard. Being rich is hard. Might as well be rich. And grateful.

On this auspicious evening, I give thanks for a computer that works. I give thanks for free internet. I give thanks for my alma mater, which gives me access to use their free internet 24/7. I give thanks for these new thoughts that have instantly changed and uplifted my perspective. I give thanks for a brain that works. I give thanks for energy in my body that allows me to stay up late and get out of a car to fight for my sweet life. I thank you, Allah, for my mom. Because I could hate her or love her. She did her best. She’s doing her best. Just let it be good enough. Just let her be good enough. I give that to her. I allow her to be good enough at last. I thank you for my broken open heart that can finally feel the truth. I thank you for my friends. I allow them to be good enough as well. For their hospitality, care and camaraderie that has kept me alive all these years. My sweet sisters. I thank you for their love. I thank you for the ones who check on me and look at me with adoration, making me feel like I at least did some things right in life. Thank you for the sweet messages from my old community today. Thank you for my old community for giving me an experience of community. Thank you for giving me an experience of being my true, authentic, honest self and being accepted just as I am. I will never forget the experience I had in community. I will never forget that it is possible to be my whole self, even ugly and flawed, and still have people love me and champion me and think I’m cool. Thank you for so much love that I’ve received in my life. Thank you for the hot guy that went on a date with me the other night. Thank you for magnolia trees and their beauty. Thank you for money in my account. Thank you for self discipline and courage, which I am finally learning to embrace as the angels cheer. Thank you for discernment and removing so many hooks from my back…

You keep telling me to write the real story of my life now. If it was possible to be with a brand new amazing man and be completely in love or get back with my raggedy lying ex and be in love with him, what I would I do? If I could trust that he’d never cheat on me, because he just didn’t want anyone else, I’d get back with him. And he could be flawed. He could be an ass. Whatever. I’d just love him. I’d just pick someone and love him. And let someone love me.

And all the spells would be broken. With my family. It’d be over now. We’d just love each other. I wouldn’t be so sad anymore. I wouldn’t be so broken. I would just be in love. I would know how to do it regardless of what anyone else did. But not my man. My man would love me, too. And I’d have friends who loved me, too. And if all my family couldn’t love me, then at least some of them would and my body wouldn’t hurt anymore when I’m around them. I’d stop crying all the time and smile again.

I would be held. That would be my dream. Someone would live life with me and hold me. Someone would decide to Love me. I guess for now, that someone could be me. That’s how my story would go. I would learn to love me. Quick. Today. Now. I’d get up on my behalf just as I’m doing now. But it would be easier than now. It’d be easier than I can imagine. It’d be fun. I’d be doing it with friends, companions. This part of my life would be fun at last. Although it would be work, it wouldn’t feel that way. I’d be able to step into a life I’ve never known. I’d be happy. I’d have sex. Good sex with someone who loved me.

And the sadness would control me never more. Perhaps I’ll give my sadness a name. Never More. In my new story, life is fun again. Even though I’m older now. Even though I’ve failed at so many things. I’m not the only one and now understand why so many have such a hard time smiling. We failed. It was hard. We got scared to try again. We settled for everything that makes our back hurt.

But in my new story, I don’t do that any more. I trust in my magic again, even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard. I motivate myself because I am not a kid anymore. I am the mother now. I am my own mother now. I am a grown up and I am the leader now. Leadership is not a bad thing anymore. I have leadership over my life now. And my leadership style is fun. I am finally able to follow through on things in my new story. I just do it. I just face Never More, put him in the back seat, let him cry, sometimes soothe him if he gets too loud, and then I follow through on life.

This is my new story. It’s not a sad story anymore. It is a story of redemption. A reconciliation and repair story. But God is the redeemer. I am the redeemer in my story. I have power. It’s not a dirty word anymore. I am able to make a choice over and over again until my life shifts.

My life force has been returned to me. Use it wisely and don’t be too hard on myself if I don’t. Love who I love when I love. Give it all away. Give it all away.

Ameen

Day 597

The Assignment (Give It All Away)