Day 592 – One Step, Two Step

Hello Loves,

How are you? I’m OK. I’m in my car. Having a moment… I’m thinking of a little boy I was watching today. he did something. Hid from his mother. She was scared and thought he was lost. When she found him, she spoke to him a bit harshly. He began to cry and told her she hates him. She told him she didn’t hate him and explained why she was upset they both apologized to each other.

I imagine that his reaction is some of our inner reactions when someone we love chastises us. I thought of myself, and how long I’ve been crying on the inside because I thought that people I loved hated me…

I’m having a bit of a pity party, sitting here in my lucky car. I was supposed to be at my storage, getting my things out, but my gate code wasn’t working. It said my account was past due. My account is not past due, but I had argued with the people about them giving me false marketing and charging me a price that I wasn’t supposed to be charged, and I refused to pay the extra price they were charging me, and so I’m sure they locked the gate until I pay something…

I’m thinking about money, which I usually ignore. Jesus take the wheel. I have to pay for a bunch of stuff. I have 21 days until a lot of my stress is relieved as a start a new chapter in life, but at this very particular moment, I am thinking about the amount of money I will need until those twenty one days and I am thinking about the situations I will face until those twenty-one days and I am thinking of the action I will have to take before those twenty-one days. Actions I haven’t taken in years.

And all of those thoughts, triggered by me not being able to get into my storage space, led me to drive to my favorite place on the beach so I could melt down just a bit and share this lovely meltdown with you in real time.

The question on my mind is how am I going to get out of this car and complete the work that I had listed for myself today? And the answer is, I’m going to get out of my car and complete the work that I had listed for myself today. I’m not going to detour. I’m taking this moment to process all these pent-up feelings, and then, for the first time in a long time, I’m going to continue on my way even though my feelings would want to sink me.

I had so many dreams for myself. I have so many dreams for myself. And sometimes I feel very sad and disappointed in myself that I haven’t been able to make many of the things that matter most to me happen. But I want to encourage myself. I want to encourage you, who has failed at or not accomplished so many things.

You make a choice. And it’s a hard, hard choice. It’s a gangster choice. You have to piss or get off the pot. And sometimes, you get off the pot to come back later. Because you’re not ready yet and there needs to be some development or some refinement that occurs before you can produce what needs to be produced or received or created. But sometimes you get off the pot altogether, never to return. Maybe you wanted to be a runner, but you broke your leg and it can never be repaired. Or something comparable. And you have to get yourself a new dream.

I had two dreams that I wanted to actualize at this moment in time. None of them were particularly easy, but they were not particularly hard, either. I mean, my part wasn’t particularly hard. I’ve done harder things. But I haven’t been able to get up and follow through on my best intentions yet, so that I can give myself a real chance at succeeding. And I’m sitting in this car asking myself if I’m gonna piss or get off the pot… asking myself if I need to quit. And honestly, I don’t need to finish writing out all the questions.

I’m ready. I am. It’s not easy. It’s hard. It’s scary. It’s uncomfortable. It hurts. It’s confusing.

But I am brave. And I have shown up and shown out for harder things. It’s time to show up and show out for myself.

I had to take a break after writing that sentence. It was new. My emotions have calmed down a bit. And I ask myself, what can I do differently so that this time, things will be different? And the answer is very humbling and slightly humiliating.

The answer is, I have known what to do for a long time. I just haven’t done it. Follow through. Even when I face disappointment. Even when I get rejected. Even when I feel I don’t have enough or feel like I’m not enough. Follow through in the saddest of times. Even when I need to take breaks. Even moving slowly. Even with no hope in sight. Follow through. Don’t deny your feelings. Face them. Process them. But this time, let them pass through you and follow through with all of the lessons you’ve learned. Like now.

Gratitude, declarative breathing, movement, will process these feelings. You see, no matter what we have chosen – to piss, to get off the pot forever and choose a new path, to come back later – our life is ours. Even if we give it away to whoever, it our choice to give it or keep it.

I place the vibration of love right on top of my head. This is the time. This is the moment. This is the first day that I use my bravery, my power, my strength, my passion, my big Love, my compassion, my generosity, my brilliance, my kindness, my beauty… my Love… for myself. And I’m not by myself. We are not by ourselves even when we are alone. I know, it sounds like hogwash.

My mentor used to tell me that and I never believed or understood him until now. And I’m not asking you to consider or believe or understand me. I’m saying this for myself and whoever else it’s for. There is a God. There is a force. There is a momentum bigger than us. I know. Children are dying. I know. People are being abused and killed. I know. Innocents are losing their lives in wars they don’t even comprehend. I know. Awful things are happening on our planet. I know. Awful things have happened to us. And some of those awful things are impacting us still.

I’m sitting in a car afraid to get out and face the rest of my day because of awful things that have happened to me. But if I am choosing to face the rest of my day, and if I am choosing to still take action and dare to believe in the possibility of my dreams coming true – and I am choosing those things – then I have to find a way to have those things, to do those things, to allow those things… I have to find a way.

I have been believing I’m alone for so long, and it hasn’t really served me well. Yes, I have been alone in some instances, but that’s not the whole story. I have also been helped. I have also been supported. I have also been lifted. I have also been cared for. And I have also been able to do those things for myself and others.

And so, I’ll lean to that part of the story. I will focus on the presence of what I want, rather than the absence of what I want because I am a strong and brave grown-up and I can transform.

In this moment, I am at a beach with beautiful sand and ocean and grass and places to play sports. I am grateful for that. Thank you, God. And I am sitting in a car that I won on a game show ten years ago. It has taken me so many places and given me solace and support every time. Thank you, my sweet car. And I have gas in my car because I worked on a lovely show recently and they gave me money and hope. Thank you, show, for allowing me to work with you. And I just drank the remaining bit of magnesium infused water. I learned about magnesium somewhere online and a friend also told me about it. Thank you to my lovely friend and thank you God, for internet. I am writing in a blog that I’ve had for years and it’s helping me process my emotions and move forward for the day. Thank you for the inspiration, God, to create this platform that has been my friend and the friend of many for years. The sun gives me vitamin D. Thank you for the sun. I have enough money for pumpkin pie and whipped cream later. Thank you for pumpkin pie. I have an amazing job coming up next month in a dream location. Thank you for the job. Thank you for the location. I can think my own thoughts again. Thank you for all the programs, books, coaches, friends, mentors, even evil demon exes and toxic ties that helped me get here… I can work and it will give me the money I need. I am grateful for that. I have health and energy and clarity and the mental wherewithal that allows me to work sometimes.. I am so thankful for that… And I have gotten in touch with my Soul and it guides me well… and I listen now. And for this, I am most grateful.

And now, with a shifted vibration, I can get out of this car, sit in the grass while I stretch, take a quick run on the beach as I do my breathing declarations and then go get some pie and do some work.

One step, two step, align with the way… One step, Two Step..

Day 592

One Step, Two Step