Day 591 – Clear

Hello Loves,

I’m timing myself, so going to write what I can write in the next thirty minutes. Good morning, good afternoon, good evening.

I’ve been wanting to write for quite some time, but for different reasons, haven’t. Been scared mostly. Of sharing too much. Consequences of exposing my life to others. Consequences of exposing the lives of those I share life with to others. Judgement, mostly. Rejection. Punishment.

I had gotten in trouble not too long ago for sharing my life with others and by extension, sharing the lives of those I share life with with others.

And I had to think about these concepts. How much should I share and with whom and why? And what are the consequences of sharing anything at all? Particularly when you share with people who have malintent.

Somewhere in these past couple months of silence, I discovered something about myself. I’m a writer. And although everything I write is not autobiographical, everything I write has a piece of me in it. It is written through my lens. And perhaps the greatest reason that I am a writer at all is because there are things I want to share and express and create.

I can share myself if I am afraid to share myself. And so there you have it. That is how I justified coming back to the blog. The haters will hate. The attackers will attack. And sometimes, they will try and use certain things against you. And that’s where it gets sticky.

If I write about crying every day and feeling unstable, will a court of law one day deem me unfit to lead or guide a certain thing because of this time in my life? And if I don’t write about this at all, will there be any loss? These are just a few of the questions that had me walking around this Earth the past few months and not sharing much with y’all.

The conclusion I came to? Expressing myself is necessary. I can choose what to share and with whom and when and I can prioritize my safety and also share. So there you have it.

I’m sitting in a backyard under an orange tree. It’s a lovely back yard. But there are mosquitos out here and power lines… Three mosquitos bit my face immediately after I wrote that sentence. And so I changed locations.

To inside. I’m inside of the house of someone close to me. My time is almost run out already!

I’ll have to tell you more later. My first thought says “I don’t know what to write about” and my second thought says that I knew what to write about before I started writing this blog, so go ahead and fetch what I know.

Know what you know is the subject of this blog. In fact, it is the subject of my life at the moment. I know that I wanted to come here to connect with others, to express myself and to share what I’ve been experiencing these past months… and to complete something I’ve been wanting to complete for a while so that I can have a sense of accomplishment and start learning to trust myself again.

Since moving out of the apartment this past August, my Soul has known that the task at hand is to complete the past in order to make space for the future. And what does that mean? It means follow through on all of the unfinished business that I’ve been wanting to follow through on before I pick up new business. Things like – finish editing a particular project and submit it to a particular person. Things like give notes on a friend’s book like I said I’d do years ago. Things like talk to a certain man and let him know I’m never ever gonna date him (decide that within myself first). Things like file my nails and drink eight glasses of water… Little things. Things that change an entire life.

I’ve got a whole hoard of events that have happened since I left home in August. I don’t have a new home yet. I’ve bounced around to five different places so far. And reunited with some people who I used to do life with whom I haven’t interacted with in a while. In reuniting, I see how much I’ve changed. Grown, rather. I have grown. Finally.

That’s what I wanted to tell you guys. I’ve grown. I’ve butterflied. I’m not a slimy, dense worm living in the mud anymore. Nothing wrong with a worm. They create fertilizer and compost. But I’m not that anymore. I’m a different being altogether.

And I wonder what life will be like without woundedness and pain being the dominant influences? I’ve taken my will back from anyone and everyone who ever tried to dominate it and I am calling my will my own. Because it is…. There are so many things that I didn’t know about life before.

I didn’t know how to say no to so much. I mean, I knew how to say no, but I was afraid that people would reject me or that I would lose relationships or lose the approval of people I loved and so, even at the times that I did what I wanted, it wasn’t without a feeling of guilt or a feeling that I had to hide who I was and hide what I really liked.

But now I know how to say no. And here’s the thing. People have rejected me or misunderstood me and I have lost the approval and sometimes love or relationship with some people. But I have gained my free will and I am starting to gain the ability to trust that I can keep myself safe and trust that I can make choices that make me feel healthy and good. And that gives me hope that I can possibly be in the world again and have a good life.

I have been afraid of being in the world for a long time… Can you tell? I didn’t even realize how afraid I was. I’ve been making bad choices for a long time. Choosing unavailable or toxic or abusive men to partner with, not following through or even pursuing or sometimes not even knowing what to pursue that will give me joy or a sense of fulfillment. Heck, at one point, I thought it was even selfish to structure my life so that I would feel joy or fulfillment. I thought that my life was supposed to give others joy and fulfillment and sacrificing myself was just the most good, altruistic thing I could do.

But it doesn’t make sense. My life is supposed to be in service of others’ joy but I’m not supposed to feel joy? How fair is that? I’m rambling, but I’m going to post this rambly blog. And people can talk about me. And say I don’t make sense. Oh, how good it feels to care about what people think, but not that much.

There will be times when you don’t make sense. And there will be times when you do. And all of it is life. And all of it is you. Be kind to yourself. You have traveled so far and weathered so many storms on this journey to find your smile again…

This morning, I redefined what strength means to me. I had been rejecting fully owning my strength because I had associated strength with being alone or being hated or just things being hard all the time. But what if being strong meant that you could say no to bullies. And moreover, you could be willing to look at all your pain and dig through it until you found it’s purpose? Better yet, what if you were so strong that you could transmute your pain like a superhero and use it as fertilizer to fuel your wisdom? What if you were so strong that you could rally people to support you in the ways you need? What if being strong and using your strength to fuel your own life meant that you could get out of this place, and then, with a smile, help others get out, too.

I Love you. Thank you for reading and sharing this little slice of a day with me.

I Love you. I Love you. I Love you.

Day 591

Clear