Day 590 – Welcoming Love

Jumbled thoughts being sorted out. I’m at a retreat. It was a two week commitment. 4 days left. Land Stewardship. I fell in Love. With a man. He’s not really showing that he’s interested in me.

I met new people. So many of them. I met an old person who just happened to be doing a workshop at this retreat. This retreat is a seven hour drive away from where both of us live… I am feeling very, very happy. Loved somehow, even though the man I fell in love with doesn’t love me.

I am in a cohort of ten women. None of them look like me nor come from my racial nor cultural background. Most of them are at least ten years younger than me, but they think I’m their age… We have been bonding and sharing our lives. I have been living a dream.

Today I planted onions in the ground. Onion seedlings look like strands of hair. A group of seven of us made rows, took the seedings out of their seedling homes and transplanted the onion seedlings into the ground.

I started the day on my cycle. It wasn’t so bad, but it was emotionally bad for a few hours. Very uncomfortable. My head got tight. I thought about love and my family. I thought about the new family that I want to create. I took a looooooooong, long shower. I thought about running away from this place because I had had some challenges the day before and also because I didn’t want my colleagues to see me sick… But I didn’t run away. I stayed.

Instead of getting in my car and driving home, I got in my car and put aloe and castor oil on my head. I meditated. At some point I calmed down.

It is night now. I am in the communal cafeteria. Going to do a little writing and sort my thoughts before heading in to sleep. Writing out loud seemed like the better choice than journal this evening. Wanting to be heard and seen. Wanting Love…

That’s really all I have on my mind this evening. I want to share Love with someone now. I don’t believe my heart can be here this lonely for much longer…

You see, my heart has come alive. It’s what I was scared of all this time, but I’m not scared anymore. I feel. So much. And I was scared that if I felt so much that I wouldn’t have anyone to share these feelings with. But I’m not scared anymore. I know that someone will come along. I pray that he comes soon. In the meantime, I will be honest. I will clear space and time for him. Bless you my good friends.

Good night.

Day 590

Welcoming Love