Day 588 – Endings and Beginnings (The Final Chapter)

Hi guys… It’s over. Everything. In a good way.

I’m sitting at home. My home for the last 12 years and 11 months. In the middle of Los Angeles. City of Angels. In the kitchen, my houseguest is frying plantain. I’m sitting in my self made book nook, my most nourishing spot in the house, and writing this blog.

It just occurred to me that this is also the least used spot in the house. I made it about a year ago or less. Prior to that, this area wasn’t very usable…

I’m moving. Yep. Me. I’m moving out of here. Finally. I have been afraid to move for a long, long time because this has been my only safe space in the world. And my jaw started to tremble a bit when I just wrote “I’m moving”, but I feel a bit more hopeful about the future than afraid. I can’t quite tell you where I’m going yet, but once I get there, I’ll let you know.

But I have begun to wonder who I will be. Who will I be if I don’t have some man abusing, neglecting or abandoning me and keeping me emotionally unstable for half the month? Who will I be if I’m not sick and in pain with some ailment to focus on? Who will I be if I’m not fighting with my family or friends and feeling wronged half the time? Who will I be if I actually have enough money to do whatever I want? And support to boot?

I have built an entire life around being poor, sick, hurt and almost there. Who will I be when I get there? When I am healed? When I feel Loved? When I am fulfilled in my work? And supported? When I belong? Who will I be when I use my energy for what I want how I want and don’t regret it? Who will I be when my will is my own?

I don’t have anything profound to write today. But I just wanted to let you know that I am changing. I’ve heard it so many times, but it makes sense now. When people say your life doesn’t change until you do. It makes sense. Your life can change temporarily without you changing. But you can trust that your life has forever changed when you realize that you have changed. And you don’t make the same decisions. And you don’t solve problems in the same way. And you give differently. You receive differently. You even walk differently.

I have changed. I am more humble. I have learned how to forgive and let go. But the most profound change is that I am beginning to understand how to feel good every day. And instead of making choices so that I can escape pain, I am beginning to open my arms, let pain dissolve, learn the lessons from it, and then make proactive choices – choices that will create the life I am here to live. I’ve also been embracing and embodying the phrase “I know”.

I realized that “I don’t know” lived in my subconscious really deep. Whenever it came time to make a decision, “I don’t know what to do” would be running in the back of my mind, and even in my body. I would get really confused. I would freeze so that I don’t feel the confusion. I would defer to anyone or anything besides my own inner knowing… I’m a woman and so we are acculturated to look to anyone but ourselves for leadership and guidance. But the truth is, there was so much that I did know, and I was betraying my own inner knowing for a long time. There is so much that I do know now.

I’ve been through a lot, and if I choose to, I can be wise now through my experiences. I can be powerful. I can be resourceful. I can be kind. I can be strong. I can be brave. I can be loving. I can be joyous. I can be clear minded. I can use my brain and my tools and my spirit to figure out the solutions to problems. I can create avenues for well-being. If I choose to, I can be the writer of my own self-help book now and know what I need to thrive. And I can learn how to receive what I need. I can be happy. In the midst of the dissolution of everything I’ve ever known, I know this is possible, even for me

I don’t know what the future holds, but even that’s not entirely true. I do know that the future for me is magical. I can’t wait to share with you as things unfold.

Love you! Bless you. Mwa.

Day 588

Endings and Beginnings (The Final Chapter)