Day 585 – Stories

I told everyone no yesterday. And said yes to the things that were good for me. And I did social things yesterday. And watched stories that took me to other worlds and planted other ideas in my head.

And I thought about the power of storytelling. And what a gift it is to be a storyteller. One of the stories was similar to a relationship I had lived. A man and woman loved each other. The man pushed the woman away harshly for reasons she couldn’t understand. Come to find out, he was trying to protect her from him. And he was also afraid that she wouldn’t love him if she knew what was going on with him. He had mental issues. He pushed and pushed and one day she decided to stay. She made him make a choice. And told him that if he told her he doesn’t love her, she would leave and let herself be pushed away. He couldn’t tell her that. He confessed his Love for her instead.

It was marvelous writing. I know the writer. I don’t know know her, but I interned for her once upon a long time ago.

I came home and thought about my Lover gone. I don’t quite remember who I was with him anymore, but I remember joy. I remember there was a level of joy that I’ve never felt before or since. I know that our story is not the story of the movie I watched. I will not go and force him into a choice, and even if I do, his choice may not be me. He really might not even be into me. His pushing away could be because he just don’t like me or just don’t want me for other reasons.

But even as I write this, I know it’s not true.

For a moment, whilst watching all the stories yesterday, my world collapsed. I got out of my head. My life was not my life anymore and so many things became possible. So many wonderful thoughts.

I thought about how our life is just a conglomeration of stories. Stories upon stories upon stories. The books we read and claim as our religions are all stories. Stories about the way things were, are, should be and will be. The stories we hear about ourselves and our place in the world are all just stories. They are so powerful. Our work as storytellers is so powerful. We make worlds possible.

We are all creating so much all the time, and storytellers have their own special place on this Earth.

My problems with my housemate didn’t matter last night. My problems with my family didn’t matter. I had gotten out of it all and seen a different way of life. An easier way. A way of Love and detachment.

Of course, I thought about my Lover, and how, I had managed for a brief moment in time, to feel Love. I know it will sound like nothing to you, but you must understand, I had been longing for that kind of feeling and connection for my whole life. I Loved someone! If even for a moment, he Loved me back. We played together like children and gave our whole selves to each other. And dreamed without reservation… That was me flitting and floating and dancing on a beach. I’ve got the videos to prove it.

And can you believe it’s all I really care about? I know, I’m supposed to be suffering and struggling and fighting this and that person and proving that I can do whatever ambition, but I don’t really care about any of that and perhaps that’s why my life force had been draining. Because I had been spending most of my time on everything that I care nothing about. Survive, blah blah… We will survive.

I care about Love. I really, really care about Love. I really, really am all about Love.

Thank you, God, for using stories to remind me of the power of stories and to plant a new story in my mind and break into the possibility of it.

All I care about is Love…

Day 585

Stories