Day 583 – Follow Through

I am feeling sad… Many years ago, I saw a therapist for the first time. She said that I had been disassociating, meaning I wasn’t feeling my feelings. When she asked me why I didn’t feel my feelings, I said it was because I didn’t have time. I had to get up and do stuff – work and survive, and I didn’t have time to feel my feelings because they may be too heavy and stop me in my tracks.

The therapist said something that meant that my unprocessed feelings were stopping me whether or not I made time to feel them. She suggested that whenever I feel any feelings, I stop in my tracks and write about them and feel them… And we did that experiment for some time. And it helped me a lot. It helped me come back to my body and know how I feel in a given moment.

I am here again, full of debilitating emotion… Rage. Rage is the feeling. Indignation. Resentment. Deep, deep sadness and grief. I am glad that it’s finally not depression. An asshole came into my life… Assholes have come into my life. Asking for my life force in so many ways. Offering nothing. Playing games. Tricking.

And I am feeling quite indignant that a human being would show up at my doorstep, call my phone or send me a message with the intention of taking with no consideration of how it might disturb my peace. Correction. Considering how it may disturb my peace, knowing as much, and trying to take from me any way.

I know. This is the story of the world. This is the story of my life. But for some reason, this story has my jaw trembling today. I have had quite enough of it.

“What you gonna do about it?” my inner voice taunts.

And the answer is, nothing. I quit. At first, I was gonna do a lot about it. Push back. Fight. Find ways to keep what is mine. Make choices. Say words to push the offenders away. Fight. Don’t lose the battle for my will.

But somehow, that doesn’t seem like the right answer, and as I have a new thought, I feel the tension in the back of my head finally relax. I feel my back give in to ease.

“Stop trying to push or pull”, my wisdom recommends. “Let them bitches go.”

Yes, that is my wisdom saying bitches. Men bitches, too. Let them asses go. I am, quite frankly, sick of this shit.

God? I’m mad at you? You’ve been making things too hard for me. You say I haven’t followed through, and that’s true, but you’ve made everything so hard to follow through on. You deliver hoards of demons to my front door and leave me by myself to fight them. It’s not fair. It has been too hard for me. You say I am a warrior. But I don’t always want to fight… You keep talking to me and I don’t want to write it. I don’t want to hear it. I want to be taken care of.

I want to pick up my phone or let someone into my life and they are not trying to hurt me. Is it too much to ask for? Is love too much to ask for me?

I know deep down that I am not unloved, but sometimes it really feels like it. Vampires always eating me. Nourishment few and far in between. Lonely always. Heartbroken always. I am as tired of writing the story as you are of reading it. But change it, I haven’t been able to. Disappointed in myself for the life I am living. It is not much of what I wanted… The other day I told my mentor that the only thing I wanted in life was to love and be loved, and my mentor said that God is Love or that God Loves me.

And I didn’t understand. And I still don’t. Why has it been so hard for me to be safe and Loved, God? I’m tired…

You say let go and follow through. There is never pity or mercy even in my own mind…

One of the things I’ve been wanting to do for a while is another blog entry. This is not the best, but I think I’ll post it anyway. Follow through any way.

I got sick the other day. I’m on the mend now, but whenever I get sick, a lucidness comes with it. It made me realize the shittyness of this particular relationship that I was engaging in. And it made me realize the shittyness of particular venture proposal that came my way. And I felt sad that I always seem to either be on the defense, trying hard for people not to pimp me, or I’m getting pimped.

I wonder who are these people who people actually want to love and pour into, and how do I become one of them? Who are these people who have someone in their lives who protects them when they are weak or unable to protect themselves, instead of trying to exploit or kick them when they’re down? Will I ever be one of them? Will I always be fending for myself?

Who are these people who are actually supp –

– You say stop complaining. These people that you speak of are you. Don’t negate it. Don’t say but. Recognize it and make it your life. Be powerful now. For your own good. You are right. It’s enough now. I have been trying to push, bang, plea with, negotiate, coddle and cajole you into accepting your own power. Please. Accept it now. I have told you what to do time and time again. Please. Do it now. Today. Please. It’s time.

-It’s enough. Just follow through. I know. People are hurting you. I know. It’s all stupid. Don’t focus on. Join hands with the people who are good to you. Acknowledge them. Recognize them. And then follow through. Now. Ok?

Thank you for feeling your feelings and letting them pass through.

Bless you.

I Love you. Go finish doing the clothes in your closet.

Sincerely,

Laydie

Day 583

Follow Through