Day 582 – A Good Person (Inner Things)

Energy. That is what is on the mind right now. I got off a phone call. High. My coach. Success Coach. I got off the line with my success coach. I have a success coach. I had one some years ago. 2020 to be exact. I worked with her for a little over a year. A year and a half. And then we reached a block.

It was 2022. I had made so much progress. When I had started working with her, I had picked up a script I’d been working on for ages and started working on it again. Made it really far. Registered my farm business. Made a lot of progress with that. Was in a groove. But then emotional stuff hit. No one ever plans for the inner things and we don’t give the inner things the credence they deserve.

A lot of things had happened in that time. My grandma had died tragically. I had a fallout with a close family member whom I loved dearly. Actually, I had a fallout with several family members over the course of those years. In addition to my success coach, I had started seeing a brilliant therapist. Between the two of these amazing ladies, they poured so much love and encouragement into me.

But my personal life was full of shit. Dysfunctional relationships with men. Family relationships were falling apart. Lifelong friendships were becoming strained. In the aftermath of my most recent personal fallout, and also after having received a bulk sum of money, and shortly after my grandma’s death, I went to a hotel overseas and took refuge there.

And I worked with my success coach weekly until I couldn’t. I couldn’t work with her because I couldn’t work with her. I was too depressed. I was stuck. I didn’t have the words at the time, but due to all the pain and trauma I had experienced, I was terrified of participating in the world again and my nervous system was totally disregulated and I couldn’t take one more action step without having panic attacks, muscle spasms, breathing issues and deep depression.

And so, every week, I wouldn’t do the work I was assigned to do until finally our time together ran out.

I spent two years and a half years not working with her. In 2022, I went through an amazing, healing, group therapy program (I call it group therapy, but the program facilitator calls it a somatic workshop). In the program, we learned how to get in touch with our bodies and listen to the cues our nervous system was giving us so that we could know when we are safe and unsafe in the world.

It was life changing. We learned the language of energy, which I had always known but never respected. We learned about boundaries. We learned about meeting our needs and nourishing ourselves. We learned how to regulate our nervous systems. We learned how to honor our life purpose… It was quite a grueling process. But we learned it. I learned it. It wasn’t just a course. I learned it, y’all!

My jaw is trembling at the moment. I’m so, so proud of myself. I’m so proud of myself. I learned how not to give a shit. Can’t say I learned that all the way, because I still give a shit sometimes and wish people I love and like would love and like me and treat me certain ways. But I learned how to process disappointment and cope if and when they don’t and still go on with life.

My God, I am grateful. I am really grateful to have made it to a place where I am not overcome by my feelings. Moreover, I am grateful to have reached a place where I am not overcome by other people’s feelings. That is the game changer…

Two years after not working with my success coach, I received an email from her with a special program. I started working back with her this April. I love her. I love meeting with her. I love telling her about my week. I love doing the work I’m supposed to do in between meetings. I can do the work now, even when heavy emotions are present. Today, she told me that she’s proud of me. She told me that I have invested a lot for my inner healing and growth and now I have the inner foundation for an amazing life and she can’t wait to see how things unfold.

I had never looked at it like that before. Honestly, I’d just been fighting for my life and my peace of mind and reaching out to anyone who I thought could help me…

A few minutes ago, I asked a houseguest of mine to wear headphones instead of blasting his television show in my ear while he sits in my space while I write my blog. He complied. He looked at me with an attitude. I could care less and don’t mind asking him to move out if he begins to make my life worse than before he came.

I need you to understand, though, that two years ago, I would not have asked him to put the movie on a headset. Instead, I would have sat here annoyed that I’m sitting in my space unable to concentrate because guest was blasting a loud movie. Or I would have ran away to a different room so I could think. I would have done anything to please guest and make him comfortable and get his approval, even inconvenience myself to the max.

No mas. I am proud of myself. I’ve actually been investing in my healing and well-being. Like, who am I? How dare I? Who do I think I am? I am a good person. Can you believe it? Me. I am a good person and I deserve good things.

Thank you, God.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Ameen

Day 582 – A Good Person (Inner Things)