Imperfect And Whole

I read an old post of mine and I am inspired. “22.10 – The Cost of a Revelation”. It’s 4:23am…

I just took 25 minutes writing a post and then deleted it because I was talking about a bunch of people who don’t want to be in my blog. I’m not quite sure what to write about, as “follow through”, “let go”, and “be seen” are on my mind. “Protect yourself” is also somewhere in there. “Why I write”, assholes, stretching, cleaning up my apartment, eviction, work, men, babies… All these things on the mind.

In my old post that I just read, it was 2014. I was thinking about quitting my job because they were harassing me. I was scared to do so because of the unknown… I talked about life and evolving and here I am, ten years later. I had quit my job and my whole life changed. I haven’t worked a bonafide full time 9 to 5 job since. It has really been a decade of falling apart…

And today’s blog is about follow through. I’m closing my eyes. Putting my feet on the ground. I woke up to the message, “won’t you give yourself a chance?” You’re not a kid anymore. I know you want to be because you want to be taken care of, but it is time to take care of yourself and watch God work wonders in your life.

I have a lot to say. I know you want to hear the story. Where have I been and what have I been up to and what will I be doing. Who, what, where, when and why… I have been dying for about a year. Sick and alone and angry and grieving. I’ve been mostly in my apartment or in another country chasing a man who didn’t fully choose me. I’ve been heartbroken about the falling apart of so many relationships. And very, very angry about the audacity of people to treat me like shit and still ask me for stuff. I’ve been afraid to be a part of the world and have spent most of my time in the four walls of my apartment, only with people who soothe my nervous system. I’ve been healing by actually being forced to witness my brokenness. Like, for real forced. Just about every month, due to health issues, I’ve been having breakdowns wherein I feel everything within me that is unresolved. This past month, there wasn’t so much anymore. Just a lot of grief and the realization that my heart had been closed off…

I’ve been facing a never ending illegal eviction which I am in the right for.

Somehow in the midst of it, I’ve traveled to an amazing retreat center that felt like home. I was a music video girl with my international Lover and had the time of my life with him even though we didn’t work out… I Loved him all the way. I don’t think I had Loved like that in over twenty years and it felt so, so good to be in Love… My People has become my people and he invited me into his inner circle and has been invested in helping me with my life. He introduced me to his friends as “someone dear to his heart”. I found my religion and joined a group of people who pray with me. We did a 90 day prayer thing that was awesome. I started working part-time with a friend of mine who sells jewelry at my spiritual center, and I love putting the jewelry pieces out to be seen and wondering who will buy them. And I love spending time with my friend. He is nice to me… My old Bestie and his brother came and helped me with my life for some months, and other friends and family members have come and help me, too. I have been helped and Loved in the midst of my health crisis. It has been a time mixed with so many feelings…

And now? The health crisis is not necessarily resolved. I don’t trust my doctors so I won’t do what they say. But I need more money to get better doctors. Or, rather, I need to use my resources better. And I am up early crying my eyes out as I complete this chapter out loud and step into the next part of life.

I randomly picked an old blog to read this morning, and I popped upon $22.10. I had no idea that the blog would be talking about a vision of my life that I am finally ready to live into, a decade later. A happy man. A family. Children. Living in my purpose. That is what I will be doing. Not all motivational and gung ho. I’m not feeling particularly motivated at the moment. I forced myself up and I’m forcing my thighs to relax because they want to tighten up and I want to run at the thought of finishing this blog entry. I’ve been wanting to write in this blog for a while but haven’t been able to.

What I’m feeling this morning is committed, though. Committed to showing up for myself. It’s a new thing. I don’t want to say too much or make too many promises. I think I’d like to do this season slow and easy and with much help and support. Slowly, gently, powerfully, as my old coach used to say, I will show up little by little in the ways that matter most. Imperfect but whole. With all my ugly pieces tagging along. They have gotten me this far, you know. And I love them all.

This blog entry doesn’t have a theme all tied up in a bow because I have to get started with my day but I want to make sure I post something…

I’m grateful to be alive, y’all. Thanks for reading. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you… I Love you.

Imperfect And Whole