Day 581 – Fulfillment

And today is another one of those days. Anxiety all in body. It’s not a disease. It’s a result of a lifestyle, and it fixable with lifestyle changes.

I’m emotional this morning. I think it’s fear. I was sitting on the floor, but I moved to the couch. My couch is slanted. I got a new base for it because the old base broke, and my friend put it together for me, but somehow its slanted… I’m sure that does something to you, to always be sitting in a slanted couch. My former Lover’s grandmother died. She raised him as her son…

A new guy came into my life last week. Offered everything I wanted. We were even supposed to start making a baby this past weekend. But he had a big cold sore on his mouth and he lied and said it was a bug bite. And he was very overbearing. Wanted to be in my space at all times asking me to give him my attention. And quite frankly, I wasn’t interested in giving him my attention. He was boring and low energy. Wanted to talk about stuff like his old aunties and court cases and traumas that happened to people he knows and the evils of the world. Then he’d shift it and ask me if I wanted him to buy me food or do my feet, etc. He bought me a lot of stuff, which was different for me. It’s been a while since I’ve dated a guy who wanted to give me stuff.

Prior to dating him, I lived with two brothers. My best friend and his brother had come to visit. They did stuff for me, too. But it wasn’t them buying me stuff. Or rather, it was buying me stuff that I actually cared about and wanted. The brother bought flowers. It was amazing. I don’t normally get flowers unless it’s my birthday. But this guy bought flowers for the dining room table and he bought me an orchid and he calls on the watering dates to remind me to water it. That was so special to me. And my friend would regularly help me with stuff. He’d help me do this meditation thing I was doing. If I was tired, he’d sit with me and read the meditation thing to me. It’s a 90 day meditation program where I have to read certain things twice a day. He bought me cake after the 30th day and after the 45th day… to celebrate my progress. And both of these brothers stood guard and protected me from mean people and helped me with stuff and took out trash and cleaned up and cooked and laughed with me and showed interest in the things I was interested in. And we went places together and had fun and they held my hand and prayed with me and hugged me when I needed hugs. It was one of the best experiences my life. And the one brother called me “beautiful” or “love” almost every day and he meant it and he made me tea and cut the lemons real pretty and set it up for me in the mornings while I was meditating.

After that experience of being poured into, there’s no way I could be with a fuddy duddy that comes over wanting to eat my energy. He did things, too, but the energy was off. And I was thinking to write about something else this morning, but I think what I’m writing about is energy.

Before I go there, though, Spirit had told me to consolidate what I received in meditation. “Know what you know.” I had been confused about what to do in this day and where to start. Yesterday, I had meditated and prayed and written for several hours and my energy was heightened. So, let me share a thing with you. Normally, I don’t like to have heightened energy, because it’s very uncomfortable. It’s painful, almost. So if I get to a state of heightened energy, I quickly try to dissipate it. What is heightened energy, you ask? Let me try and explain. My whole body feels tingly and sensitive. I guess it would be similar to how someone feels when they’re horny, but it’s not quite horny. I fell excited. I feel like anything is possible… I just had an aha moment. The problem comes when I feel this way and nothing amazing happens. And so, I think I learned a protective measure. In order to stop from being disappointed in this heightened state, I dissipate the energy quickly by doing something physical or getting into someone’s business and giving energy to them. But what if I didn’t? What if, instead, I used this energy to take action towards something I think is amazing? What if nothing amazing happens because I don’t try and make anything amazing happen? What a concept. Oh. That was my message this morning.

Follow Through. My former Lover messaged me and threw me off. Somehow I think I will be with him by the end of the month. His energy is pulling me towards him. I literally just saw a message from him. He’s trying to be my friend again. I don’t know if y’all keep up with my life, but a little over a year ago, I had met a man. He lives in another country. He’s younger than me. I fell in Love with him. I’m not sure if he fell in Love with me. I think he did, but didn’t quite want to be in love because it made him feel trapped. And he was used to being a single ho. I know about being a single ho. Excuse my language. But it is what it is. It’s a state of mind that I know very well. It’s an imaginary place. You say you want a relationship, but your thoughts about relationships are not congruent. You plan a life by yourself. You plan to make your own money, do your own career… Your bed has one dresser by it, if any. Your life has room for one. You hang with a lot of people from the opposite sex, never quite being vulnerable to any of them. I know that life. My former Lover changed it for me. It was so weird. It didn’t happen automatically. I had to be intentional about it. But at some point, I chose him. Just him. I Loved him all the way. It was the most amazing thing I’ve ever done.

We broke up because whatever whatever, and I haven’t been in touch with him in about four months. And I’ve met about four guys in these four months. They a’ight. But mostly mean assess. I’m cussing in this blog. It’s a bit unfiltered. Sorry, y’all. No filter today. They were mean asses. An Iranian guy who wanted to have sex with me immediately but didn’t want to do any sex checks. A young drummer guy whose name I just can’t seem to remember who also wanted to have sex immediately and also wanted to have the freedom to whore around and also wanted no sex checks to take place. My neighbor who was willing to have sex checks and do all the right things and court me on one condition: I jump, hop and skip on his command otherwise he’ll punish me. And then this new guy. Similar vibe as my neighbor. He’s trying to smother me and make sure he’s in my space all day every day so that I don’t have time or space to meet anyone else. And that’s fine and dandy, but not. Cus I don’t like him… I may be getting too real here. He doesn’t see me. He sees what he wants a woman to be for him and wants to mold me into that. And he’s a bit resentful that I come with my own things.

But I digress. What am I writing about in this blog? The energy in my leg has become very painful. I’m trying very hard to call my energy back into my body, but it’s with him. My former Lover. I want him. I might as well surrender, because I’m not going to be able to resist being with him. So there you have it. Focus of blog has changed just like that.

Get my act together so I can go be with my Love. My friends will come stay in my place and help me manage my life and film empire until my baby comes back with me in April. If that’s what I want. Lawdamercy. My old guy will give me all the money I want and need if I just ask him… Just like that? Yep.

God is telling me that whatever I want will happen at this moment. I have crossed over to the other side. Will I follow through now and make space and step into a new life, or do I just want to be here forever hoping and wishing and writing about things that I won’t allow to happen? Will I allow myself to be fulfilled? In real time? Not in fantasyland. In real time. I’m not on the other side of happy anymore. I’m not depressed anymore. I’m not confused anymore. I’m just pretending like I am because I’m used to being that way. And I feel afraid of being any other way because at least I know how to manage the darkness I’ve experienced. I don’t know how I will manage if I actually hope for my dreams to come true and they don’t happen.

So, fear spoke to me this morning and said it will help me. I can use it. It is useful. It teaches me caution and planning and it teaches me to pay attention to energy and pay attention to myself and my health and what’s good for me. And it tells me what I need to be safe. So consult with it. Partner with it.

-What I want you to do, Laydie, is go into a flow state. For fifteen minutes, embody fulfillment. You can do this. You are strong and powerful. You can have anything you want. But it’s not about you having anything you want. It’s about you being who you are. A beautiful flower. A fruit bearing tree. Capture this. It isn’t magic. It is you anchoring yourself so that you be who you are meant to be… After you have embodied fulfillment in your body – it is possible for you to Love and be Loved by a man who treats you well, supports you, admires and respects and wants you whole heartedly and someone you love and admire and respect wholeheartedly – Your Lover wants to do this. You can feel it. Don’t run from it, but don’t hold him to it. Let him be your muse, knowing it is possible to be inspired, activated, interested in life and vibrancy. That is what you’ve always longed for. You’ve longed to be alive. You’ve longed to be safe. You’ve wanted to be able to be safe. And now you’ve learned how. The world is not the one who is going to keep you safe. You are. Not just by hiding in your house and room. But by learning. Ummm hmmm. By being intentional. By trusting your body. It tenses up when there is pain and unsafety. Believe it. And it loosens up and becomes excited when there is love, vibrancy and alignment. It’s enough writing now. You are delaying. Do one thing at a time. Fifteen minutes. Embody fulfillment. Learn to feel good about fulfillment instead of being afraid of it. It’s a frequency you are learning to hold… Then on to the next thing. I Love you.

xxx

Day 581

Fulfillment