Day 579 – Your Critical Attention Is Needed

Last night was quite eventful. Several dreams. Don’t remember all of them, but remember one, of people betraying me. The people kept changing. An ex (in the dream he was my man) was disrespecting me and asking inappropriate questions to women close to me. When I told him to stop it, he then said he doesn’t think I like the women. Then the women acted like nothing was wrong with the whole situation. Finally, one of the women stood up for me. Asked everyone how they would feel if their man was asking their friends about inappropriate things period. What the heck was going on???? How would they feel if their friends had no issue with these inappropriate questions and in fact enjoyed them?

I don’t know how the dream ended. I woke up with a feeling of betrayal. The women in the dream were women I knew. We had all had real life situations where I had felt betrayed… One of them recently did some more stupid betrayal stuff. Sneakily tried to take something I needed from me… I guess I’m salty.

Last night, a neighbor banged on my door late at night. She lives under me. She and her boyfriend fight often and I often hear her crying and whining like a child. She’s been there over six months, but I don’t know her name. She doesn’t speak unless spoken to and barely says hi under her breath if I say hi to her. She’s skinny. Middle-aged. White. Last night I heard her “talk talk” for the first time and realized she has a foreign accent. Maybe French. Her boyfriend smokes. Has long hair. Plays racist music advocating for slavery on national holidays…

Last night was the first night in a little over two weeks that I was home alone. I had had a house guest who is temporarily spending the night elsewhere. I came home very tired earlier. I had gone and done some physical activity that my body wasn’t used to. When I came home, I was so tired that I felt inspired to take a salt bath and then fell straight asleep. I was emotional for some reason. My period is expected in the next few days and these days I get very emotional around my period time.

But also, a lot has happened in these past weeks. I am tired of so much nonsense happening.

Anyway, I woke up to the sound of someone banging on my door. Then, awake, I heard the person banging on the door of the neighbor across the hall. I generally don’t have a tight security regimen here. I have a lot of windows that have no curtains, I sometimes leave my back door open with only the gate locked. I have no curtains in my storage room and sometimes imagine a man squatting right at the outside of the storage room spying on me. I have a peep hole on my front door, but it’s really like a peep window. It’s an old fashioned door and it’s a small box that you can open to see who is at your front door.

So my neighbor banged on my door, but I didn’t open the small box, because the small box is big enough to stick a gun through or a tool to open the door from the outside in. Through the door, I asked “Who is it?” She said, in a French accent, “It’s your neighbor,” and said her name, which I don’t remember. Through the door, I asked her how could I help her. She hesitated to respond, but then asked me if I had a key to her boyfriend’s door and if I could open it for her. I didn’t and told her as much. Then I asked her if she had his number or wanted me to call. She said no and walked away.

When she left, I locked my utility room back doors that normally stay open. I locked the top bolt on my front door. I thought about getting curtains for all these open windows…. I checked my phone only to realize that my charger hadn’t been working and my phone was dead.

I didn’t know what time it was. I thought about getting a clock, but I was in between sleep-wake. I went to sleep.

Later, I heard my neighbor talking to another neighbor downstairs…

It’s 8:15a. My emotions and mind are all over the place and I woke up realizing that this here is a medicine for me. This blog. It helps me process things. I don’t know how people live life without it. I need it. I need to sit by myself sometimes, as long as it takes, and sort out my thoughts and sort out what’s happening in life and what I’m doing or not doing. I’ve been so busy doing doing these past few weeks and I’ve had so many people around that I haven’t really taken the time to sit down just as long as it takes and sort myself out until I feel stable.

So, how am I? I’m OK. A bit disembodied. Not aware of my own energy. Can I tell you something? I like my own energy? Can you believe it? I finally realize that I’m a good person. Not saying it to brag or be arrogant or even be judgy… It took me a long time to awaken. That’s what I want to talk about this morning.

Over last weekend, I went to a camp with some family members. Some of them were initially uncomfortable with the lodging and we were voting on whether to stay another night. I waived my vote because 1. there were four of us and I didn’t want us to have a deadlocked vote and 2. I had invited them to the camp so they could experience something that I had already experienced many times and I wanted the decision to stay or leave to be theirs…. They all wanted me to vote and one of them said they know what my vote would be based on my behavior. She said I wanted to stay and was totally convinced I wanted to stay. My mother also said she thought I wanted to stay for whatever reason… They were both wrong. I didn’t want to stay. I actually wanted to leave and go home and go to a park and finish reading a book I was reading, but I was willing to stay if they wanted to, because the trip was more for them than me…. I’m telling that story, though, because in that moment I realized that they have no clue about me and what motivates me. But they were so convinced that they did. And they were so wrong about everything. Maybe they were basing their speculations on a very old version of me that gave a rat’s poopoo about pleasing people.

It dawned on me that this very old version of me was only that. Someone who wanted to please others. Had no intention for herself. And that’s why people are so confused and feel so betrayed now when I dare structure my life around pleasing me first…

This new version of me? I don’t quite know where she’s going, but she’s not bout that martyr life or that partnerning with folks who don’t demonstrate an interest in her thriving through action life…

Chinedu! My phone is not working because the battery is dead and I told some people they could reach me through my computer WhatsApp if they needed and now they are calling. God help me. I don’t want to be reached at the moment. I take it as a sign, God, that you smote my phone this morning so that I could spend some much needed time processing my own thoughts and finishing up on some creative contributions before my head explodes. I will leave my phone and my communications smitten until I finish some things. I want to finish writing this blog, finish reading the book I’ve been reading, assess my progress this past month, and adjust/continue taking action so that I’m on track.

Can you believe it? For the first time in such a long time, I’m relatively on track with the things that matter to me. I know. I have a lot of open doors creatively. I’ve never had this before. Meetings with people, people saying they like my work… I have all the information I need in order to have a baby this month if I want… A willing baby daddy… Came out of nowhere…. Can you believe? And I have some potential cash flow coming through if I play my cards right. I have a friend again. My Bestie. He became my friend again. I don’t really know how it happened, but he was here for three weeks, scrubbing my walls, washing dishes, cooking for me, asking me how I’m doing… That’s the best part. He asks me how I’m doing. Like, for real. He notices when my voice trembles or when my energy is low. He asks me if I’ve completed the tasks that will move me from here to there. He asks me about what’s important to me and gives me tangible help to accomplish it… We had a really good time during his stay. We had a few disagreements, but we worked through them all. We said sorry to each other and meant it. We amended our behaviors. I really felt respected and Loved and cared for. I felt honored and I felt like someone was willing to be with me on my terms, not trying to bend, twist, convince, invalidate, push, pull, criticize me in order to have my presence…

And then I felt sad. Because what the heck is going on in our world? So many people in war, trying to force each other to be what we want them to be for us, even at their detriment, instead of just finding people who want to be what we want them to be…

I took a moment away from writing just now. Because I was feeling sad and resistant to finishing this blog entry. I didn’t quite know why a wave of deep sadness took me over and if I explained it to you, I’d be making something up. But I sat with myself and held myself. My body is bigger than it used to be, but I like this fuller me. I’ll lose the weight eventually, but for now, thick Laydie makes me feel soft and vulnerable. I like the experience of being soft and vulnerable. I like the experience of being taken care of.

The other day, I had a meeting with an acquaintance whom I’ve known for many years, but never quite spoke on personal basis…. I didn’t know what his agenda was before the meeting. We both happen to be taking the same online self-help course by coincidence and he said he wanted to talk about it. Our meeting ended up being a personal meeting about what’s going on in our lives. At the end, we both ended up crying… He hugged me – held me – and he said he wanted to be a part of my family. I didn’t understand. It was so deep. It wasn’t sexual. It wasn’t a man advancing on me. It was tender… I didn’t quite know how to receive it, but asked God to help me receive care without blocking it…

The next day, we were supposed to talk on the phone about our course stuff. I was supposed to share some content with him that he had missed. I didn’t realize it was going to happen, but I woke up to a disconnected phone because of nonpayment of bill. I didn’t have the money to pay and he asked me how much it was. I told him. He asked if he could support me with the bill pay. I let him. He ended up sending me four times the amount of the bill by surprise…

The day before, I had done something nice for him during our in-person meeting. I had had a prime parking spot and I gave it to him while I looked for another spot, since we were meeting at a place that I was familiar with and he wasn’t. It just felt like the right thing to do for me, but he was touched by the gesture. Said no one ever does things like that for him, but he always does it for others…

Later, when I asked him why he sent that extra money to me, he said it was from the Universe. Told me to stay strong and stay the course…

“Let go of everything that doesn’t serve you” is the message that’s been coming through. My Lover has been on my mind lately. I miss him so much. I ask myself what happened. What really happened? Like, not how do I feel, but what were the actual events that happened and what can I take responsibility for? I ain’t never loved nobody like that in my whole life, God, and I’m sad that it didn’t work out… I struggle to let go of the idea of being with him and open my heart to the possibility of being with someone else, but let go I must…

It’s time to end this blog and get on with the day. Almost 10a… One of the people from my dream last night just reached out to me and suggested we talk about our relationship. I said ok. The other day, another person from my dream reached out to offer me some help. I haven’t responded yet…. The energy feels like wanting. I’m sensitive to energy these days. Perhaps I have always been, but I’m respecting my sensitivity to energy these days. Sometimes a thing will happen. Someone tells you all the right words, they do all the right things, but still it doesn’t feel good. In fact, it feels worse than when you were doing something else. Although I would like to resolve my relationships with all these people and come to a place of completion, I never want to go back to the way things were….

I had to stop again and breathe. Panic attacking at the thought of getting entangled with so many people in the ways I was entangled. Never again. I had to breath and pray because this is our time. As My People would say “Your critical attention is needed in your life.” YOUR life. It’s yours. Understand this. Your life force is yours. It’s not anyone else’s. You don’t owe anyone anything. You owe it to yourself to live your destiny and live a life of fulfillment and to make choices that will lead you there. Sometimes things can be confusing. Something seems good but feels bad, or something seems bad but feels good. I was programmed, pushed down, even forced at times to trust others’ authority over my own. Most women are. But it’s not true. The truth is, you know what’s good for you. You’re just not used to trusting your knowing… But this time, you have to, understand? You have to believe yourself. You are responsible for your own safety… So even if you don’t know why, even if you can’t understand what’s going on, if someone’s presence makes you feel bad, ADDRESS IT. It’s real. Something real is happening. If you’ve been used to being invalidated, disrespected, not believed, or just made to feel like you are wrong through subtle systematic ways like people always double checking your statements or always criticizing or belittling your way of being, then you probably don’t know how to rely on yourself for stuff, but rely on your own knowing and trust your own ability to know what is good for you, you must…

This blog has been all over the place. Mostly, it has helped me to understand the source of discontent that I woke up with. There are people back in my life. I’ve been alone and safe for a while. And it’s been lonely, but it’s been safe. But now there are people back. They want things from me. I don’t particularly feel that they are interested in giving me the things I need or even if they are interested, they are not capable. But they are here, wanting attention. There are issues to be resolved, and I’d like to resolve them, too, but then what.

I want to follow through and complete the things on my list for once and have support completing them. I’d like to be surrounded by energy that feels good and be appreciated and honored as I am without constant mirco-aggressions attacking the nature of my being. I’m kind of sick of coming close to people who constantly abandon, betray, demonize, sabotage, steal from, dishonor, disrespect, don’t like me and compete with and lie to me. I think that story is pretty played out in my life and I can applaud my wonderful performance.

But now I’d like to be liked by the people I spend time with. I’d like to share smiles and joy with people who are interested in sharing smiles and joy with me. I’d like to be championed and be around people who smile and celebrate when I win instead of looking concerned and disoriented. So how now, God?

I asked my council of elders what to do (my imaginary council of elders in my imaginary imagination) and they were livid. They said to stay focused. Leave these folks alone. Every body is going through things. But everybody’s things aren’t your things to go through. Be a big girl now. Take care of yourself so that you’re strong enough to take care of others. God has opened the door for you to do his will. This is the lesson you have been trying to learn over and over again.

You’ve got to be ok with Loving yourself. I want you to hear this. It’s not about selfish stuff or doing your nails, etc. It’s about making choices that are good for you, even it means not giving others what they want from you. Understand this, please. The people who are good for you don’t want you to make choices that are bad for you. Let me say that again. The people who are good for you don’t want you to make choices that are bad for you. Understand? It means, for example, if you have been trying to be a writer for a decade and you have an amazing opportunity to turn in a writing thing but it’s hard for you to do… The people who are good for you will advise you and help you figure out how to do it. They will make you tea. They will leave you alone so you can focus. They will handle some responsibility for you so you can thrive. They will not ask you precisely at that moment to go and lead an exodus. They won’t pick that moment to dump on you and tell you how awful you are for not doing what they wanted from you. You understand? Your critical attention is needed. Those people who are asking you to do things that aren’t good for you at the moment? It doesn’t mean they don’t love and care for you at the moment. Don’t make it mean anything. They could be psych cases. Who knows. They could be going through things. They could just not be that smart or aware. They could be struggling to get their needs met. Who knows. They could be immature. But don’t give it too much energy.

This is the lesson, your life Lesson, Laydie. Stay the course. Break free from this old life finally by being ok with giving your critical attention to yourself and making choices that are good for you. F*ck everything else. Trust me. There are so many people who will be Blessed by your life when you live it to the fullest. So many already are…. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you.

I Love You.

xx

Day 579

Your Critical Attention Is Needed