Day 577 – Untitled

Y’all. I have so much on my mind and I’m a bit confused about how to move on this day, so I’m just gonna vomit everything out.

Everything has fallen apart and/or everything is falling apart. Someone Close To Me called me yesterday to advise me to get a surgery out of the blue with no idea of the implications. The potential implications are the removal of body parts that I need in order to do some of the things I want, and the doctors who have recommended the surgery and who would be doing the surgery are doctors who don’t even pay attention to what I tell them when I’m in their office, and who don’t do real exams, etc. So I don’t trust them with my surgery. My old doctor was a really good doctor. He was a healer. His specialist network just wasn’t very good, and I needed specialist care, and that’s why I left him… I struggle to pick up Someone’s calls, especially when I am feeling low… Sometimes I feel like I’d be dead if I listen to their advice, because they have little awareness about what’s important to me… It makes me mad, if I’m being honest. My sensing is that Someone wants me to get better so that I can get back entangled in all the relationships I used to be entangled in and help contribute to everyone’s situations… I’m not particularly interested. I disentangled myself on purpose. Too much was too much, but that’s another blog for another day…

I feel like I’m on my own in this world, and if I’m being honest, I’m angry about it. I feel like you dealt me some really bad cards, God, and it’s not fair. You made me a butterfly and put me in a den of monsters, and I didn’t even know monsters weren’t good for me. In fact, I thought they were my friends and so I gravitated towards them most of my life. And it took me a long, long time to realize I was a butterfly and that monsters weren’t good for me, and by the time I realized it, I was all beat up and bruised…

I know, my Someone loves me. I know, they help with things they can help with. They helped me with a huge money boost recently. And I’m grateful. They’re doing what they can… Most of the people from my past have all helped me with my life in some way at some point, and I’ve mostly helped them in some way at some point. We have an unspoken agreement to help each other survive no matter what. It’s the thriving part that gets us. So many subconscious things start happening with so many people once one or the other starts thriving. To me, it felt like people got angry when I started thriving. They wanted my energy for them and were used to having it, and they got mad and even incredulous when I started using my energy for me. What a notion. They started doing the most, abandoning, pulling focus, etc, and if you called them on it, they either disappeared or acted like they didn’t know what you were talking about. But then I’d talk to another mutual connection, who would say something like, “such and such told me they were jealous and that’s why they attacked you”…

That’s not what I came here to talk about this morning, but I guess that’s what’s on my mind for real. Heartbreak. Everything kind of hit the fan at once. Demon ex has a way of bringing all the bad things to the surface. He brought my heartbreak to the surface. He was extreme, just like the country he comes from. But he made me realize the nature of most of my relationships in subtle ways. No love. I’m talking about real love. Yes, the essence of love is there for so many people, but it never gets shared for real because there is so much in the way.

Unresolved issues that people lie nonstop about. Egos. Jealousies. Unresolved traumas. Insecurities. Competition. Cheating. Love dies at the feet of so much. People trying to plot and plan and get more than they want to give from someone. Manipulation. An unwillingness to accept accountability and just say, “sorry. I did this. Can I make it up to you?” I don’t think I’m that advanced, but I’m starting to think that maybe I am. Because these simple things seems so rare in the world. Honesty seems so rare… Wishing each other the best, to the level of thriving without competition, seems so rare.

Demon ex was up in my house trying to put spells on me, whilst I’m working my butt off cooking three times a day and driving DoorDash just so I can feed him. I don’t know if I’m going anywhere with this blog entry, but I’m gonna publish it nonetheless. Y’all. I’m not being metaphorical. He was trying to put actual spells on me.

I timed myself, and I have ten minutes more to write before I have to jump offline and focus on other things. I filed my nails and arched my eyebrows yesterday, and that makes me happy. Today I’ll go exercise and see I guy I almost dated. I didn’t date him because his breath stinks. But he’s nice. A psychologist who can at least be honest. He drives a convertible and opens doors and that makes me happy. Lol. And he doesn’t push up on me and respects boundaries, and that makes me happy, too.

We are going to a Hollywood event. It should be fun. I’m a bit anxious about it, but going to pretend like I’m not.

I was going to write this blog about how there’s so much swirling in my head and so much to do and how I don’t even know where to start or end. My body hurts. I want to go swim in the ocean. I have to pay rent or be evicted. I’m deep in the hole with debt. I don’t have a source of income besides driving door dash and sporadic background acting and I need to make thousands, yes, thousands with an s, of dollars within the next few weeks if I am to keep some major things from falling apart. My stupid ex won’t admit to bringing oils into my house, even though everything he touched smells like oils. I threw away the sheets he slept in because even after four washes, I couldn’t get the oil smell out. The couch smells like his oil. The bed smells like his oil. My car seat smells like his oil. He talking bout the smell is from some cookies he brought in the house.

A part of me wants to let it go, but there’s a part of me that wants to find a way to make him tell the truth, find a way to make him realize that it’s better to be honest than to be a monster. You know something funny? Most monsters don’t want to be identified as monsters. It’s strange. He knows he brought some oils into my house, either to do voodoo on me or to do voodoo on himself so he could be protected, have luck, etc. He knows he did it. It obvious that everything he touched was left with that deep, dank oil smell, and he himself will make you cough and make your eyes itchy red if you get too close to him because he’s so cloaked with oil smell. But he’s not proud of it. He won’t say, “yeah. I did that. Because I wanted to get A, B and C.” He’s gonna deny it till death do him part, unless he’s talking to his fellow monsters. I guess they have a code I just don’t understand.

My Demon ex made me think about my other ex, Lover. He, too, lies about stuff, but he’s different. I think. But I don’t know.

Let me close my eyes and know what I know. People tell me I am crazy. All the signs point this and that way. But somehow I don’t believe. Something in me chooses Lover all the time and misses him so much and something says he’s the one to build a life with… It doesn’t make much sense when I open my eyes. There are better men with lesser issues. But I Love him. That’s the truth. I Love him. As old as I am and as many men as I’ve dated and as broken as I’ve been, I never imagined that I could Love someone at the level I love this man. But I Love him more than I’ve Loved any man before. But God, does he Love me?

God says he will. He’s too young and hungry to love anyone for now… But he Loves you in his way. More than anyone before…

I started this blog because I was wondering what to do with this morning and what to do with this day. Well, the morning is gone. A WhatsApp text exchange from a former admirer distracted me from blog. Now I have to get dressed to go to Hollywood event. My WhatsApp admirer had reached out to me because he saw a pic on my profile of me and a man. The man is Lover. I posted his pic on purpose, so all these closet men who keep thinking they can get with me will know that I don’t want them. Men only believe they don’t have a chance with you if they see you with another man, so I posted a pic of me and Lover, because he’s the only man who could have a chance with me if he wanted.

I know it sounds crazy, but somehow he feels like the missing puzzle piece to my life. Where I get these fantastical ideas from, I don’t know. My Demon ex was not the missing piece. My body and eyes hurt in his presence. My Lover was the missing piece. I thrive in his presence. I am alive with him. I am hopeful and happy with him. Anything seems possible with him and nothing seems possible without him. Call it codependent. Call it what you want. It’s how I feel.

But now that he’s not here – I pushed him away – it just don’t feel right. Demon ex made it more clear than ever. That time is done. Fodder for vampires don’t fit me no more. That was my old life. I guess Lover could be a vampire if he wanted, but he’s not really. He has some sort of morals somehow, which I like about him. He won’t go too far.

God keeps telling me the same things and I keep not listening. Why don’t I just forget about what anybody says and do what I think is right? Get my ass ready. Live like my dreams are possible… I’ll do that.

Have a Blessed day.

xx

Day 577

Untitled