Day 154 – Be Where You Are
My brain is scrambled with so many thoughts. The guy who inspired me to write this blog would just look at me, and I would calm down. He could be so comforting when he wanted to be…
I miss my dad.
I am a little girl today, missing her daddy.
My sub-letter moved out today, and now I officially live alone. What should I do now, now that there is no one to save me or no one to blame for anything?
It’a a trip, the lengths we go to avoid taking responsibility for our lives. I’ve just been passing through this LA life, hoping that someone would rescue me. But I think, no one is coming. At least not in that way. No one is going to rescue me, because, truly, I’m not that kind of girl. I don’t need to be rescued. I’m a rescuer and I want someone to swim with me that we may comfort and support each other on our paths…
Bring the truth out of me, Lord, and plant it firmly in my life.
The truth is, I am here, now. There is no million dollar bank account. Dream Lover is not here. There is no signed book deal, and no children or community center abroad. My family is still my family and my friends are still my friends, growing and experiencing life in their own ways, and some of them may never change or may change for the worse. There is no big fancy house in my name anywhere and the bills are still coming.
And I have been sitting here, waiting on all those things before I give myself permission to live, waiting on so many things before I let my life start.
I am here. This is the choice I am making. I am here in this apartment in this city in this country in this world and I am choosing to be here. It is a delicate art, to be where you are while planning for the future, but I’m going to master that art. That’s what I’m choosing in this moment, God. Because right here, even in this moment, the possibility for happiness exists. Even in my bland room, the possibility for beauty exists. Even without Dream Lover, the possibility to love and be loved exists, even now, even in the other relationships that I have. I live in one of the most beautiful, diverse states in the country and where I am there are limitless opportunities to express and experience joy and freedom.
Thank you, God. I’m going to stop questioning your tactics. Here I am. Now. And I’m not here by accident. This is where I chose to be. I went all over the world this summer and had options to be other places with other people and do other things. I still have options, but I choose to be right here in this apartment in this room.
I’m not trapped here. I can live anywhere, but this is what I chose, so I’m going to choose it. Life, I’m sorry for neglecting you for so long and taking for granted all of the joy and all of the beauty, the peace of mind to be experienced in the present moment. The deep connectivity that I already have. The relationships that have been knocking on my door waiting to be cultivated. The opportunities that constantly reach in my direction… They are here and now. This is where I am! I might as well participate in it once and for all because I’m not going anywhere until I master these blessings, and I thank you God, for the lessons.
I’m accepting them now. Everything inherent in this moment, I accept, Lord, and I willingly participate in the creation of a wonderful life here and now.
Dream Lover, you have penetrated my spirit deeper than any before you, and it’s okay. I give you up to God. The world is bigger than my present perception and He will sort us out in our right places. You have my permission to be happy, with or without me, and I give myself permission to live, with or without you.
Be Where You Are