Day 132 – Stay Alive
The words have come back to me.
I’ve been traveling for a while. Packing. Unpacking. Moving stuff. Skipping states. Saying goodbye’s and hello’s. Deciding what to do next in my life. I am clear now.
I’m down south for the rest this month visiting family and people I grew up with. There’s a lot of them and in this moment I’m glad to have them all. Sometimes we take it for granted, but I feel lucky to have so many people that I can share love and connectedness with.
So today is a cry-baby day, but not because I am sad. I am overwhelmed with gratitude, Allah. Nothing obviously grand has happened, except that in juxtaposition to the people who I spent most of my developing years with, I can see how much I have grown. They look at me different and are pleasantly surprised at some of the things I do and say, even when those things are not things that they may have wanted me to do. I am thankful that it is becoming so easy for me to be my true self and for me to be happy. Even when seemingly disappointing things happen, it is becoming easy for me to still believe that life is worth living.
After all is said and done, some things just aren’t that serious. Oh, I know. Sometimes life seems very very hard. People hurt us and break our hearts. They say mean things and disappoint us and sometimes we feel so alone and unfulfilled. I know it can get bad when there is not enough food or money to pay rent and I know what it’s like to have an “addiction” that we can’t seem to break. We just want to beat ourselves up over and over again for being such “failures”. Why can’t we be happy, after all? Why can’t we get it right? Why can’t we have the things that we think we want or be the people we want to be? Life can seem so unfair at times. I know. Trust me, I know about the sad stuff all too well.
But I don’t want to talk about that today. The sad stuff will be there to talk about and cry about whenever I want to, and I’m sure that at some point I will have other sad things to cry about if I choose, but right now, I’m realizing that it’s not that serious.
Don’t want to offend people. I know. Loved ones die. Dreams are broken in a day. Lifetimes of gathering are destroyed in hurricanes, people are evicted from homes and fired from jobs, raped, beaten up, tortured, and psychologically abused. Children are abandoned. There are hungry people all over the world, and here I am saying that the sad stuff is not that serious. It’s more than serious, I know. Some of the things that happen to us are debilitating and tragic and heartbreaking and more than painful. I know about pain, but I also know that pain is not the end of life and if we spend too much time steeped in pain, we can start believing that pain is all there is, and that’s just not true.
What comes after pain? What comes next if you are blessed enough to experience all of the pain and the hurt and the disappointment and live to tell about it? What happens if you are fortunate enough to look in the mirror and find a genuine smile in your eyes after all that, a clean spot in your heart after all the “stuff”?
This is the exciting phase that I am now transitioning into. Pain and I have finally decided to go our separate ways. I am not scared of him any more, because I know that even as I am engulfed in whatever hurtful experience, a new day will come. It just will. Even if you don’t want it to. A new day must come if you manage to stay alive. And another new day will come after that. And one day, in one of those new days, you will wake up and something will be different. Maybe just a small thing, but that’s ok. Tomorrow will come for sure, if you’re up for it. Give it a chance. Stay alive a little while longer…
It has been many new days since I started this anti-depression/happiness experiment on myself, and I can testify that life changes. It just does. You get over people. You get over yourself. Grace kisses you and you find a way to make it out of the abyss. And then, on a day like today for me, you find yourself surrounded by people you love, having more than enough food and money, feeling empowered and humble and knowing that there is no one and nothing that could ever invalidate your right to be here. On a day like today, just a random rainy day, you might witness your mom and sister arguing like I did, and recognize how lucky you are to still be alive to witness it. And you might realize that for once in your life, you are aware of the fact that you like being alive. And the pain, and the hurt, and the sadness, and the fighting and the ego and the lies the pretending that you are less than you are and the avoiding your calling, well, it’s just not something you want to experience any more.
We are lucky to be alive. Let’s do something with that…
From this place, God, this place of recognizing that I am indeed alive and perhaps being aware of an inkling of what a wonderful thing that is for the first time in my life, from this place of gratitude and run-on sentences, I would like to thank you for the life that is in my hands and my feet. My eyes that see and my voice that speaks. It is good to be here, even now. Life is a good thing. God, thank you for letting me see…