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Day 128 – Demand Love

April 24, 2012

Lazy day today. Kind of feeling off. Noon and I’ve only completed one thing off of my seven item “to-do” list for the day…

Bought groceries yesterday. Feels good to have food in the fridge. I really don’t have anything to talk about. Nothing new in the past twenty-four hours. Someone gave me a pass for a free yoga class, so I’ll go to that tonight. The first guy I ever kissed saw me on Skype today and we had a Skype chat… I don’t know how I feel about that, but I don’t really want to give that thought much energy… He’s married now and old… Hmm… What else?

Nothing. #2 is in the other room watching internet TV. Need to talk to her and sis about making a plan B if our tentative plans don’t work out. My heart feels sore for some reason… #2 just came in the room to let me know that we got a package. I don’t even know what to say. She’s sweet. I guess it’s okay to be interrupted sometimes. Actually, being interrupted is exactly what we need at times.

I’m supposed to go to this mixer event tomorrow, like a singles thing. I’m a little hesitant about going. I don’t know. My heart hurts. It’s like I’m having a delayed response to all of the failed relationships I’ve ever had. I didn’t realize that I was so hurt by things. I mean, it’s weird. Your mind knows that you are supposed to be hurt, but you don’t feel hurt at a particular moment, so you figure you aren’t hurt, but then one day you go and do some random yoga pose and start crying for no reason and then the teacher tells you that you have been storing emotional pain in that part of your body or you hear about some long lost lover and just feel like throwing up…

So, I’m feeling hurt today. Actually, let me be honest. I’m feeling sad and feeling sorry for myself. I know, life is turning good as far as professional stuff is concerned. It’s actually turning out great, God, and I am very very thankful that I am even able to move forward in life again, but sometimes my heart hurts. It’s been some time since I’ve thought about my heart and love, but life is reaching out to me in the form of people from the past and new romantic opportunities, and making me remember that love is important to me…

I don’t want to give up on it, but sometimes I think that maybe it just wasn’t meant for me. I have a history of shit*y  sh*t relationships. Men say they fall in love with me instantly. It’s not normal. I don’t fall for them that fast, but then they do and say all kinds of nice things and I open my heart and I think, “yes, this is the one”, and the moment I let them know how I feel, they start to panic. It’s like a push-pull thing. They won’t love me if I love them. We inevitably get into some argument over me saying something I wasn’t supposed to say, and then they disappear. Literally. No good-bye. No see you later. No working it out. No talking. Whatever plans we had made become null and void instantly. They don’t send a memo. They don’t tell a friend. They are just gone…

And then months or years later, they reappear. They always reappear. I guess I should be flattered, but I’m not. I’m saddened. Because when they reappear, they are almost always worse off then how I left them. More sad, more bitter, meaner. They are at their wits end. Maybe they married some woman they didn’t love or got someone pregnant. Maybe they went through a series of empty relationships. And now they are back, looking for something they can feel, looking for a little piece of love. Never do they come back wanting to make amends or even offering an apology. They just reappear like nothing has ever happened and ask for my love again… I really can’t believe that this has been the story of my life.

This is what happens when life is going good? We start digging to see what else needs to be brought to the surface. It’s okay. I’ll dig. He*l I don’t even have to dig. It seems like things come to the surface on their own. I think this relationship pattern thing started with my brother when I was twelve years old. We used to be best friends. He was and still is number two of people I love most in the world, no matter how he feels about me.  One day he just started ignoring me. No explanation. No talking it out. No good-bye. Just totally wouldn’t interact with me. -I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. Well, maybe just a little bit, but not really. This is just what happens in a life.

Somewhere at some point a pattern is set in motion that we’re not even aware of. It is a blessing when we can discover what that pattern is and make a conscious effort to stop it. So, anyway, after about three months of my brother ignoring me, my mom finally noticed that something was going on, and she made us talk to each other. He explained that the reason he was ignoring me was because I liked boys and I was bad, and he didn’t want to associate with me. I was in shock. Up until then, I didn’t know that liking boys was bad and I definitely didn’t think that I was bad. I was a goodie goodie girl and I had put forth a lot of effort trying to do things that were good just so that the people I loved would approve of me, so you can imagine how devastated I was when I found out that, try as I had to be good, my dear brother still thought that I wasn’t worth talking to…

So, as I’m writing this journal, I’m realizing that I have taken that relationship dynamic with me all the way throughout my adulthood and I have created all of these relationships with men that are similar to the relationship I had with my brother. We love each other dearly, but something happens, usually something very small, and they feel the need to run away from me… I wonder how my brother really felt. Did he feel betrayed because I was doing and saying things he never thought I would do? Did he feel like he had to protect himself from me because I would mess up his life or make him go to hell? Probably a combination of both.

Why do they come back, God? Because they Love me, You say. But if they love me, then why do they leave? Because they Love me, You say, and they are afraid of being hurt by me… It’s all so sad. What can I do to change this pattern? Forgive him completely. Your brother and all of the rest. That’s it? I feel so jaded about love, God. I want someone to see my point of view and say, “that wasn’t fair. She was just a little girl.” I want someone to say sorry to me. Sorry for leaving me. Sorry for disappointing me. Sorry for not telling me that they had changed plans. Sorry for lying to me and betraying me. I want them to at least say that they didn’t know what they were doing…

I’m never going to get those apologies, am I? Sigh… You say that my life is my life and their lives are theirs, and I need to learn to mind my business. It is best for me that I forgive them, that way I can stop recreating opportunities for people to tell me sorry. Hehe. They are on their own paths and maybe one day it will lead them to making amends and maybe it won’t. The question is no longer about what other people should do. The question is, what should you do so that you can continue on this Earth with peace of mind and a clean heart and so that you can create the life of your dreams in all aspects, which, Lady, includes a deep and fulfilling Love. We all know that you want that most of all…

Change is becoming easy for you now and I know that things seem to be changing faster and faster, but you asked for this, so Let’s let it happen, okay? OK. So now, for today. Let’s forgive him. And them. Let’s get back to your “to-do” list and… OK. Why did #2 just burst in my room all excited while I’m over here writing my sad story? LOL.  I think it’s time to go ahead and get happy…

Demand Love. That’s it. We are moving forward now. Let the wounds from the past heal. They will and they do heal. Moving forward, in the new relationships that you are creating, demand love. Stand up for yourself and demand reciprocity. It will happen if you ask for it. You know it will, so you better get ready…

Day 128

Demand Love

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