Day 120 – We Are Still Alive
I’m back. Today is the last day that I will be able to stay at this getaway apartment before I have to go back to my life and my sis and roomie #2.
I’m going to spend this day alone and use this time to reflect, write, and make some more moves towards getting things published. The thing about working independently is that things don’t move unless you do.
I’m going to try again to write in this blog seven days in a row. I’m sure I will be able to do it this time. I’m also going to make a new list and make sure I finish at least one thing from the list for the next seven days. This new list will have categories: family/relationships, finances, professional goals, living conditions, spirituality. Eventually I would like to do one thing that enhances each category a day, but I’ll start with just one thing from the list a day…
I don’t have much to write about today. No big dramas, job offers or book sales. No potential man lurking around in my fantasies. I’m not particularly mad at anyone or wanting to teach anyone any lessons. I’m not even feeling hurt over whatever anyone might have done to me in all my years on this Earth. It’s OK already. I forgive them… I’m off the bed and don’t want to go to sleep or cry, but I’m not inspired to go run outside and sing and dance either. Not depressed… I don’t know what this place is.
Maybe this is what they call peace? There’s nothing here. No wanting. No needing to show anyone anything or make anyone proud. I think maybe this is the beginning of peace. Yeah, that’s sounds about right. My intuition tells me that peace is a thing much more profound than what I am feeling now, and if that is so, then I am humbled already, because even this amount of okayness, I have never felt in my life.
Peace, huh? That’s an actual option. Hello, Peace. My name is Lady. Thank you for staying around. I know, I’ve been so busy going to war with myself and stuff and trying to control everything and pretending I’m someone I’m not just trying to fit in, and running here and there, I didn’t even notice you. It’s so good to finally be aware of your existence…
I wish I could share with you how lovely things can be. I know, I have to be rich and famous and have a million followers and all this other stuff before people will believe me, and I will be those things and have those things before it’s all said and done, because that’s my destiny. But today, I’d like to share with you what I know in my soul already.
I know that it doesn’t matter. You may be poor or rich or have a man or woman or not. You may work at the post office or be a celebrity. You may follow whatever religion and on the outside you may look like a model citizen, but if you don’t have peace of mind, then nothing matters. The happiness, the good stuff, it’s not out there amongst a collection of things and accomplishments, it’s inside you, and the only thing that really matters at the end of the day is what’s inside of you. You can hide out in your room, travel the world, have more friends than you can count or be alone, but wherever you go, there you are. You can’t escape yourself. You can’t escape your thoughts and feelings. They don’t go away no matter how busy you keep yourself or how many drugs you use or how much sex you have or how long you lay in the bed and stay asleep.
You will still be there when you wake up. And one day, if you want to be happy, you will have to take a good look at yourself. We are grown-ups now and we can’t keep blaming everyone else for our lives. Surely, we must have played some part in getting to where we are now, even if it was something so simple as giving our love and trust to people who we knew didn’t love us. It’s ok. We’re still alive. We’re here now. And we can do something different.
I’m sorry I’m talking so much, but I guess I do have something to say today. We are still here. We are still alive and we can do something different now. Right? We can do that. We can say sorry and forgive someone. We can exercise. We can pray. We can earn more money and save some. We can finish our creative projects and submit them and actually give ourselves a chance at being successful. We can apply for new jobs or create the businesses we’ve always dreamed of. There’s really nothing stopping us but ourselves. We can make choices that are good for us.
No one said it’s going to be easy. In fact, at some point, it’s probably going to get hard and you are going to be challenged in the deepest places. So what? What else would you be doing? Crying every day? Waiting to die? Trying to get through the day? Come on, now. We are still alive. We are still alive. Let’s act like it.
We Are Still Alive