Day 96 – Know What You Know
It’s raining out today. Mr. Almost Famous is leaving town. He just sent me a text thanking me for being me and all this good stuff… Sad poems in my head that I won’t write down.
It can’t possibly really be this hard to find one single available man who I want to be with and who wants to be with me. We had such an amazing time yesterday. He’s a bonafide good guy, but he’s still stuck on his ex (who he just happened to break up with literally hours before he met me)… sigh.
Bittersweet, I tell you. I mean, I meet guys often, but it has been a while since I have met one who I thought, “yeah. I could actually fall in love with this dude and he seems like he’s at the right place, etc where we could make a good thing happen right now.” So. Almost. Almost… If I was a drinker I think I’d go get a drink right now.
But since I’m not a drinker and I’m not really into drugs or random sex or whatever other avoidance tactics are out there, I might as well deal with this bit of loss right now and evaluate so that I can get on with doing my work and other life things. He’s the first “new” guy I’ve thought I could start a serious long-term relationship with in about two years. OK. But why has it taken me two years to like a new guy??? Oh yeah. Dream Lover and all my other random exes that I’ve been caught up with. OK. So I was caught up for a while in a bunch of mess… Wow. Two years??? Time goes by so fast…
Alright. Not gonna’ get down on myself. Continue evaluation. It has been a little over one month since I have been completely completely single with no attachments or unspoken agreements with the exes, and literally I met Mr. Almost Famous a day after I finally got over and done with the exes, so I guess it didn’t take too long for me to find a guy after I was ready. Well, to almost find a guy…
So, Lady my Love, let’s not let this one miss get us down too long. Yes, I am talking to myself. In fact, let’s go ahead and cry or whatever and get over this today. We have to go to work in a bit, and remember we still want to find our real husband, so we can’t get caught up on these almost hits. God will help you. You know he will. I know, Mr. Almost Famous was super fine and the right age and ambition and religion and the whole shabang. And he was an actual good guy who was forthright and tells the truth and keeps his word and loves his mamma. I know, that’s a hard one to let go. But you have to let it go, OK ? What else are you gonna’ do? Get all sad again? Not do your work that you are on the brink of completing? Close your heart and spend another two years getting caught up with anesthetic relationships? Come on. You know you can’t do that anymore. That’s not for you anymore.
-But I’m disappointed. He was so awesome.
I know. You can cry, OK, if it makes you feel better. Go ahead and get the grieving out today. But don’t forget everything that you have worked for, everything that you have accomplished thus far. Don’t forget that he is only one of many many possibilities for love.
-Will I see another soon?
Of course. You know you will. Come on, Lady. Keep the faith. Keep the faith. You know the truth. You know that you were not created only so that you can suffer and cry and be alone. You know that there is joy for you in this life. You have seen it! You have seen so much of it already. Do you think I would give you a heart so big and not give you someone to share all that love with? See the truth now so that the darkness does not take you over. See the truth… He is coming. It is coming to you. Don’t put up your sword and shield. Don’t close your eyes or you will not see it. Don’t stop doing the work. Come on. You can do it. You can be strong and still be sweet. You can grieve and still be open.
You know there are good men out there and you even know that your Mr. Almost Famous was just as smitten by you as you were by him. You two were just not quite ready. But almost ready. And you know that you both have been a blessing to each other, making things clear, burning away the lies, giving each other faith, setting yourselves back on a path of passion and life. You know you had forgotten about your heart and he reminded you and you reminded him… You know that this experience was a good and very good thing, and you even know that you are becoming fantastically wonderful and able to believe that you are worthy of a good man so that when he comes, you will actually be able to accept him.
Come on now. Know what you know… Stop buggin… Easy… Easy now, see? See how quickly the truth burns away fear? Wow. One hour instead of one year! Look how far you’ve come. I think you can stop crying now. At a girl… At a girl.
Know What You Know